What is a Book of Shadows?

Simply put, a book of shadows is a record of someone's journey exploring reality from a magical perspective. It's especially common amongst pagans, wiccans, psychics and the like. Books of Shadows are private diaries that detail intimate and edgy magical findings, so it can be later referenced, shared with the coven, or taught to an apprentice.

I've decided to abandon this format with my findings.

My magical journey has been so unique, disorienting, and fruitful that I feel it needs to be shared openly in the hope that it can be a guide or a comfort to those on a similar path. If I've learned to value anything on this journey, it's connection and solidarity.

Magick and Psychosis

When you open yourself up to magical reality, it's hard not to let yourself be consumed by it. Many beautiful things come through, and many terrifying things come through. In my experience, you can't open yourself up to one without the other. Things come through that you will not be ready to wrap your mind around, and this is intentional. Growth is in how you learn to move through it.

When I had my first spiritual awakening, so many beautiful and meaningful new trajectories were set in motion. I accredited it largely to my spirit guides, past lives, my spiritual gifts to see energy fields and future timelines. This genuinely served me for a few years. I made astronomical realizations and movements that caused me to grow and thrive as a person, that I never would have otherwise made.

There came a point, however, when this initial momentum sputtered out. I was homeless and struggling. Friends stopped taking me seriously. The fantasies I'd dreamt up haunted me, and I began to realize how difficult it was to meet anyone in authentic connection as I was so caught up in my sour, expired magical reality.

Around this time, I read a book that changed my life, but not in the way you might think:

The Law of Attraction by Abraham Hicks 🤮

In the book, Abraham defines a magical way of thinking called the law of attraction that enables you to obtain anything you want by just thinking about it. He claims that the only way for this to work is if you completely erase all the structures and connections you've formed to explain how the world works, and replace them with the law of attraction. I was hesitant, but very curious, so I tried this. I let go of all my structure of understanding the universe, and the systems that enabled me to make sense of reality, to adopt this new way of thinking.

It broke me

With my mind totally dismantled, I devoted myself to the law of attraction. And after a few arduous weeks of erasing any shred of resistance to what I was manifesting, there came a point when I realized I was actively harming myself in a way that brought me further from my goal. Nothing made sense. When I would try to understand the world around me, the structures that previously deciphered it were nowhere to be found. I realized that somewhere along the way I had become delusional, and I was left with a broken mind that could only be wiped and used as a blank slate.

So I rebuilt in the most intentional way I could, starting completely from scratch. I examined every spiritual and philosophical idea that used to found my reality, rebuilding with those that seemed harmless or constructive to my existence, and discarding those that seemed to cause damage. I decided no longer to believe in my ability to see the future, or to trust every voice of spirit in my head. I salvaged neutral ideas, such as the belief in past lives, and the existence of chakras. I found the most important thing, and used it as a foundation to create the new paradigm around.

The idea that I am two people instead of one: an inner caregiver, and an inner child. And that reality happens within me, not to me. Every aspect of my being, my reality, and what is and isn't recognized or integrated is within my control. That if I'm aroused by something, it's part of myself revealing itself to me.

Inner Caregiver, Inner Child

In me there are two people. Everything is done either in collaboration, or by one supporting the other. These people exist in a loving relationship with one another. Like a parent and her child. I didn't always know them. They introduced themselves to me gradually as I got to know them. At some point I realized I am them, and a sort of loving union formed between us.

Inner Caregiver

My inner caregiver is a tall woman with blue skin, long black hair and beautiful strong features. I remember the first time I met her.

...(unfinished)

Inner Child

...(unfinished)