What is a Book of Shadows?

Simply put, a book of shadows is a record of someone's journey exploring reality from a magical perspective. It's especially common amongst pagans, wiccans, psychics and the like. Books of Shadows are private diaries that detail intimate and edgy magical findings, so it can be later referenced, shared with the coven, or taught to an apprentice.

I've decided to abandon this format with my findings.

My magical journey has been so unique, disorienting, and fruitful that I feel it needs to be shared openly in the hope that it can be a guide or a comfort to those on a similar path. If I've learned to value anything on this journey, it's connection and solidarity.

Magick and Psychosis

When you open yourself up to magical reality, it's hard not to let yourself be consumed by it. Many beautiful things come through, and many terrifying things come through. In my experience, you can't open yourself up to one without the other. Things come through that you will not be ready to wrap your mind around, and this is intentional. Growth is in how you learn to move through it.

When I had my first spiritual awakening, so many beautiful and meaningful new trajectories were set in motion. I accredited it largely to my spirit guides, past lives, my spiritual gifts to see energy fields and future timelines. This genuinely served me for a few years. I made astronomical realizations and movements that caused me to grow and thrive as a person, that I never would have otherwise made.

There came a point, however, when this initial momentum sputtered out. I was homeless and struggling. Friends stopped taking me seriously. The fantasies I'd dreamt up haunted me, and I began to realize how difficult it was to meet anyone in authentic connection as I was so caught up in my sour, expired magical reality.

Around this time, I read a book that changed my life, but not in the way you might think:

The Law of Attraction by Abraham Hicks 🤮

In the book, Abraham defines a magical way of thinking called the law of attraction that enables you to obtain anything you want by just thinking about it. He claims that the only way for this to work is if you completely erase all the structures and connections you've formed to explain how the world works, and replace them with the law of attraction. I was hesitant, but very curious, so I tried this. I let go of all my structure of understanding the universe, and the systems that enabled me to make sense of reality, to adopt this new way of thinking.

It broke me

With my mind totally dismantled, I devoted myself to the law of attraction. And after a few arduous weeks of erasing any shred of resistance to what I was manifesting, there came a point when I realized I was actively harming myself in a way that brought me further from my goal. Nothing made sense. When I would try to understand the world around me, the structures that previously deciphered it were nowhere to be found. I realized that somewhere along the way I had become delusional, and I was left with a broken mind that could only be wiped and used as a blank slate.

So I rebuilt in the most intentional way I could, starting completely from scratch. I examined every spiritual and philosophical idea that used to found my reality, rebuilding with those that seemed harmless or constructive to my existence, and discarding those that seemed to cause damage. I decided no longer to believe in my ability to see the future, or to trust every voice of spirit in my head. I salvaged neutral ideas, such as the belief in past lives, and the existence of chakras. I found the most important thing, and used it as a foundation to create the new paradigm around.

The idea that I am two people instead of one: an inner caregiver, and an inner child. And that reality happens within me, not to me. Every aspect of my being, my reality, and what is and isn't recognized or integrated is within my control. That if I'm aroused by something, it's part of myself revealing itself to me.

Inner Caregiver, Inner Child

In me there are two people. Everything is done either in collaboration, or by one supporting the other. These people exist in a loving relationship with one another. Like a parent and her child. I didn't always know them. They introduced themselves to me gradually as I got to know them. At some point I realized I am them, and a sort of loving union formed between us.

Inner Caregiver

My inner caregiver is a tall woman with blue skin, long black hair and beautiful strong features. I remember the first time I met her.

I was lying in my bed at night, in my room at my parents' house, when I still lived with them. I had just realized I couldn't live the life that had been mapped out for me. I was trans, and needed to drop out of college to pursue freedom, and everything that made life worth living. I realized there was no one who would help with that. I would be completely on my own, and I felt scared and helpless. I felt so alone. Then she appeared behind me and held me.

I didn't know who she was, or how I felt about her. She just seemed like she wanted to comfort me. The thought came to me that if I felt so scared and in need of comfort, it would only make sense that somewhere in spacetime, the exact opposite charge existed. Some warm entity with the same hunger, but to hold, and provide comfort.

I didn't think much of it until sometime later, I was lying on a couch under the gazebo in the backyard. I felt her behind me, holding me again. I pointed at the window to my room, and told her, 'that's my room :)' She said, 'that's my room too.' I pointed to the kitchen and said, 'my job is the dishes.' She said, 'that's my job too :)' I asked her what her name was. She said, 'Cassandra.'

At this point I was pretty confused. I still had no idea who she was. She seemed like some kind of god to me. I used divination and intuition and asked who she was. The answer I received was that she wasn't my twin flame, or soul mate; she was more literally me in a way I couldn't yet understand.

Inner Child

I don't know the first time I met my inner child, or became aware of her existance, but I think it was around the time I met my inner caregiver. I was getting a tarot reading, which felt like a direct flow of consciousness for both me and the reader. None of the words were sticking, just the image in my head of her. A child, with pink hair, oversized clothes, and a lopsided crown. So pure, and creative. I felt so moved by her.

She wanted to be a girl. I knew that's what I needed to do, or she would die.

A year later, after I had started my life from scratch and was on my own, I met her again.

I was in my van (that I lived in), in a parking lot. I couldn't decide what to eat for dinner between panda express and little ceasar's. I was so split, and frustrated. I used dice to decide for me, and the dice said panda express. A part of me felt really upset by this, so I got little ceasar's. I brought it back to my car and memory came to me. I was a kid, and having a hot-n-ready for dinner, wanting my parents to be more present with me. They didn't have time to cook, so they just got a pizza. I felt so invisible.

I saw her in my van, standing in front of me. I felt so sad for her. She needed a parent. She needed to be loved, and seen, and supported. I'm the only one who could ever do that for her. I held her and told her I'd take care of her. In that moment, I dedicated myself to her. I told her that no one would get between us, and that I'd support her, and help her get the things she wants. I'd give her the space and security to feel, and create, and emote, and play, and know that she's always loved.

I would listen to her, and she'd tell me what she wanted. She wanted a lot of things that changed my life. To explore fashion, and get into the kink scene, and learn about makeup, and read manga, and smell every candle in every store, and eat cookies, and try new instruments, and paint unicorns, and so on.

Severed Parts - Where I'm At Now

This is where I'm at now. While my inner caregiver and inner child seem to encompass most of me, I'm starting to realize I may have more parts. Parts I may have met, but don't know very well yet. I'm trying to learn about internal family systems secondhand. I know folks with DID, and feel confident that what I experience isn't that, but on the spectrum of singular to plural, I'm at least somewhere in the middle. This will be a long journey for me.